« february 27, 2020 »
i missed writing on here, i haven't been able to for a while, which sucked. but, i'm back in business now.
i'd say i think i'm doing better, but i can't say that in good faith. i'm trying so hard but i have nobody anymore, 'mój anioł' was my only friend, and the best i'd had in a long time. i still think about her often, she interacts with my stuff online still. it's so tempting to message her again, because i do miss her so much, but it's just not worth it. she put me through too much stress, i just miss her company and the best aspects of her personality - but it's like that whenever anyone leaves. soon, it won't matter anymore. time heals things like this, i think. i'm trying to not worry about it.
on another note, some good things have happened since i've last updated. i talked to someone that i really admire, i'm so happy about it. it was just in instagram direct messages, but he liked mine before i liked any of his... and i don't even know how he thought to message me but i'll take it nonetheless. a couple artists that i really love dropped new albums as well, and i'm progressing in learning a few languages still. i did some cleaning the other day, which i feel good about still. so, there's that. it's not much but i don't have much to look forward to or be happy about normally so something is better than nothing, i guess.
along with that, but on a completely different topic yet again, i've been thinking a lot lately. obviously i think a lot, i think constantly, everyone does. but i've been thinking about something in specific. i guess it's kind of spiritual, i don't really know what to call it. i feel like someone is my other half, i don't know if soulmate is the term i'm looking for, but i really feel like my soul, maybe spirit, i don't know, is connected to someone else. they're not alive, but i swear i'm connected to them somehow. a lot of the time when i say i "love" someone, it fades really quickly. even if it lasts for a few years, it's normally just like two or three and then i become infatuated with someone or something else. with this person, i've loved them for nearly five years now. way longer than anyone else i've ever thought i was in love with. i've even felt what i thought was the same type of love for other people during that period of time, and it faded. my love for this person is so much stronger than virtually (like 4? people) anyone else (that being said about the other 4 people, it's like, a different type of love. i love them, but i love them in other ways, i don't know how to explain it but it just feels different to me). i always feel like they're with me, i feel so strongly towards them. they're not a perfect person - far from it, i'll admit to that. but there's never been a point in time where i've ever had negative emotions towards them. despite being able to realise that they've massively fucked up, i still feel very strongly for them. it's so hard for me to really put it into words and adequately express how i feel, but there's just something so different with them.
there always has been.
« january 14, 2020 »
first off, mój anioł? more like mój ból głowy. she gives me a ból głowy.
we stopped talking before the new year, i think it's for the better. at the end, all she made me do was cry and hurt emotionally. she kept doing things she knew hurt me after i told her multiple times. how can i keep someone like that around? how can i love her? i thought she was my best friend but i guess i didn't mean as much to her as she said i did. whatever, i'm bitter about it, but i need to get over it. she can suffer alone.
« november 27, 2019 »
i hate everything about my life i hate myself i hate my life i am genuinely going to end up alone.
nobody gives a fuck about me.
i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i'm a worthless piece of shit waste of space waste of life.
i'm a waste.
« november 26, 2019 »
everything feels pointless and like a blur
nothing feels real anymore
i feel so numb and dead inside and i don't feel like trying anymore
the people i want to be with all the time are dead and nobody alive cares about me
i know i'll be alone until the end
why do i even bother anymore?
« november 23, 2019 »
i feel so numb all the time unless i'm talking to her. since i don't want to use her name on here, i'll call her anioł. anioł, anioł, anioł. mój anioł. she is mój anioł. she makes me so happy, i don't know how to explain it, but everything she does manages to make me happy, no matter the mood i'm in. i love everything about anioł.
unfortunately, like everything else in my life, there is a catch to mój anioł! alas, she is over 11 hours away from me, so i cannot be around her often, if really ever. but i have been around her for a very short period of time, and it felt like i was on cloud nine. seeing her, finally, in real life, was unreal. she is unreal.
i really do cherish every moment i spend talking to her, too. i feel like i normally don't get attached to people as quickly as i got attached to her, but there's something about her that just constantly pulls me towards her. i don't know how much i believe in astrology really, but our charts seem to be pretty *chefs kiss* when compared, and if that means anything, i think that explains the pull i feel towards mój anioł.
in other news, lately i feel like i'm redeveloping my hatred for the general population! everyone is pissing me off so severely lately, i think it's a new extreme. lately, i feel like everyone is just so fucking stupid. i don't even know why or how this really started, but it's happening again, and i'm sick of trying to fight it so i'm not anymore. i give up trying to care about people, generally. i've been beaten and worn down for too long. i can hardly take it anymore.
i'm so close to giving up completely.
this is kind of unrelated, but the fact that i'm so so fed up with being scared of losing people just popped into my mind. why can't i ever feel good enough for anyone? mój anioł is the main person i don't feel afraid of losing right now, but even sometimes i wonder what would happen if i told mój anioł how i really felt? would she be digusted or weirded out and stop talking to me? in the end i'm worried of losing everyone. i think everyone will abandon me some day. it's normal for friendships to fade out, but everything fades for me. everything. i have no consistency in my life and i never really have outside of my mom, and i think that's unhealthy at some point? i don't know what it's like to have a longterm 'best friend', i don't know what it's like to have family that's always there for you, i don't know what real consistency is like and that scares me. but most of all, i'm scared of always feeling like i'm going to lose someone if i do the wrong thing, i'm sick of begging people to stay around me, i'm sick of nobody caring enough to stick around. it's so emotionally exhausting it's disgusting. i just wish i had that one person like so many people seem to have that's just always there for them, they can talk to them about anything, they're like their everything. i want that. i thought i had that with hunter but i guess that was wrong. i'm hoping that i will have that with mój anioł but sometimes i'm scared that i like her more than she likes me and that my hopes of her just being like "my everything" type person are just wishful thinking. i don't know, i'm just sick of being lonely and rejected and only talking to the bare minimum of people to keep my sanity. i strongly feel (and am slightly scared of the great possibility of this being true) that i'm just meant to be alone. i don't really connect with the vast majority of people i talk to or meet. everything feels so shallow and meaningless to me in terms of relationships (friendships) with people, and i just don't click with anyone besides mój anioł, for the most part. i'm scared that she will not have feelings for me in the way i do her, and that i won't find anyone after her that i connect with like that, which will lead to me being too scared to try and develop another relationship, therefore leaving me in a position where i feel 'relationships are hopeless, i'm done dating and being in relationships' is reasonable, and then i won't end up with anyone and i will truly die alone.
we will find out, though! sooner or later i will die, so we'll see who is with me when that time comes. hopefully, until then, mój anioł and i will continue to grow closer, and maybe, hopefully, one day, mój anioł will realise that she loves me, and her and i will finally live out our dreams of living on a farm together and running away from the rest of the world. ugh, if only.
it is now later in the day. after sleeping all day, i've decided that there is nothing valuable of my life form. what do i contribute? what do i do? the only people i care about are either dead or don't care about me and i don't want that to be the case anymore but that's all the case has ever been. when has someone ever truly cared about me? when?
i got brought into this life when i shouldn't have been. my whole life has been filled with pain and misery and suffering and i've wanted out for so long and it seems as if i just have to continue my suffering.why? because i'm too scared to end my own life in case i hurt someone else. even though i know that nobody else really cares about me, i'm still trying to be considerate of how others feel. it's amazing to me that ic are so much about others when i know nobody cares about me on this level.
i've been suicidal since i was in (late) elementary school at least. now i'm almost 19 and i still feel the urge to kill myself when things get too bad for me. i've never gotten the help i need when i've asked for it and needed it most. i've never gotten the support i need. i've never gotten what i needed when i've needed it. almost every single time i open up about my feelings i just get ridiculed and yelled at and told that things aren't that bad and that all my problems are MY fault, when that's not true. i've only ever had a handful of pepople who didn't get angry with me for how i felt, and i hate opening up about y feelings to people i don't know. which is ironic, in a sense, since i'm running this website, but it's a little different with this site - here, i'm close to anonymous. plus it's a little one sided, since i'm doing all the talking, and you people are doing all the reading i'd suppose.
i just can't go on for much longer in this fucking life. i'm so sick of everything and it seems so hopeless. i'm barely ever happy. i'm sick of every day. i'm sick of everyone around me. i want to escape and i fucking can't. i'm sick of never feeling relaxed unless i'm on something and i'm sick of never feeling at peace or hat home even though i'm home quite literally every single day. i'm almost completely antisocial at this point and cutting people in general out of my life made things a bit easier, but it's not enough that i feel any different, except i lost some social skillsd which is good and bad. i don't care about not having as good of social skills, rather the fact that every goddamn person is a nuisance and i don't know how to deal with them as well. humanity feels like it's becoming the bane of my existance, as a human.
why is everybody so fucking fake? why are people so demanding and rude? why are people chameleons so commonly? why can't people just be honest and communicate? why do pepple have to resort to insults so often over the tiniest things? why can't people just be fucking real? it's like everybody is just fucking nonsensical and disgusting. i feel like the older i get - and i'm not even THAT old - the more i hate everyone around me. according to my mom i used to be like a 'social butterfly', but i don't remember that. i know i used to like having my friends over, i used to enjoy being around people, but everyone i know has gotten so fucking obnoxious, so fake, so full of themselves and so irrational. they're not the same pepople they used to be, pure, nice, levelheaded as much as any child can be. people always grow and change over time but i just hate how most people grow and change. i can't stand people. i'm just not meant to be with anyone.
so, of course, how everything else in my life is obnoxious and as challenging as possible, not even mój anioł likely cares about me how i care for her. what are the chances? someone who isn't even around me most the itme would care about me as much as i care for her? sounds pretty unrealistic to me. i don't think anyone cares as much as i care for them. why would they? what does that do for them? it's easy enough to pretend, but when it comes down to it, i will always care more. always.